Princesses don't give blow jobs
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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