I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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