You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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