Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
