Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
