Got a toothbrush?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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