If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
