he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
foreskin is a definite game changer
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
