Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
