She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Semen is not good for contacts.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
