Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
