I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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