She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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