What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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