Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
