I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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