Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
