i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
