I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
