New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
