Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
