if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
His hands were made for my vagina.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
