I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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