i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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