I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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