NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
