Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
