just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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