I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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