dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Even my vagina gasped.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
