the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
