i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
