she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
