When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
