you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
