shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
