I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
