I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
