I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i drank out of a bidet.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
