ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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