You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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