hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
3 2 1 whiskey
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
