someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
