Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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