I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
my poor anus
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
