What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
