Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
