I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
