My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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