There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
